• A man is Toxic when he invalidates us and when is behaving as a ‘tyrant’. Invalidating us means he will be negatively critical about what we do and who we are, his communication will have a ‘put down’ quality.
The ‘Tyrant’ type will be continuously controlling us emotionally, and bewildering us by implying that our emotional outburst or our withdrawing is our ‘fault’, and that we are in the wrong or we are weak. The ‘Tyrant’ is often disguised as the ‘sheep in wolves’ clothing, friends and family will ‘see’ the ‘sheep’, that is the charmer, which causes us even more emotional bewilderment and crippling self doubt, when those around us will be saying “He’s such a great bloke!”. He is not, you are right and the observations of others are wrong.
Tyrants are very difficult to relate to, as their unconscious purpose is to control us emotionally, and then inform us that we are ‘badly behaved’, and they are always right.
Why are women attracted to them?
• Women are attracted to these type of men, for two main reasons.
1) Toxic men, in the early days of relationship can hide their ‘poison’ behind strength and charm, intelligence, and romantic attention. The woman feels; I am so lucky to have such a wonderful man.
2) Some women will have a deeply embedded belief system of low self worth or low self esteem, and that they must be wrong and they must deserve the ‘abuse’
What are the different types of Toxic Men? (eg: possessive, critical, cheater etc)
• Basically Toxic men, whether they are exhibiting behaviours of jealousy, or are cheating, are angry or critical have one main purpose and that is to be emotionally controlling of their women. This type of personality trait is manifesting in the Toxic man, because simplistically they have vey little if any self worth and they lack their own inner stability. The problem is that the Toxic man will rarely have sufficient real inner strength to admit – that they have a serious problem
Do you have any real life examples of women caught up in a bad relationship?
• Barbara met Adam, the charmer. Successful, wealthy, exciting holidays and spontaneous exotic trips. His family were well established, a flourishing business and elegant property. His friends adored him. Barbara moved in with him. Adam was the typical Charmer Tyrant. Soon she was a prisoner in his beautiful house. When she came to see me, her problem was: It must be my fault! We worked to deconstruct her belief, and she was able to walk away. She now lives in a small cottage, she has very little in the way of furniture, unlike Adams grand house, and Barbara is now happy in ‘her own skin’
Can a Toxic Man ever change? And if so, how?
• Absolutely he can change; he has to find his inner strength to first of all state: I have a problem. Once he truly takes this step, he needs to ask: What does he want from relationship with a woman. He needs to deconstruct what he believed had made him happy and that is to be emotionally controlling of his woman. He needs to genuinely want his woman to be happy with him. He needs to ask himself, what do I need to change about myself and my behaviours? And he will need to explore what he learnt from adults in his life when he was a youngster as to how a man relates to a woman.
When do you know that it’s time to leave him?
• After the third time he invalidates you and he refuses to accept that it is his behaviour that is wrong. Leave. Life is too short to stay in such a bewildering and unhappy place. You have a right to be in relationship that is harmonious and loving. Do you have any advice on how to leave a Toxic Man?
• Learn that you truly have the right to be happy and to be loved and supported. Explore your beliefs about yourself, and if you have any beliefs that are stating this problem is ‘my fault’, change your beliefs rapidly. Beliefs are not the truth. Learn that you have the right to walk away from a situation that is painful for you.
5 ways to tell if he’s Mr Wrong:
• If he puts you down more than twice, and does not engage with you to explore his wrong behaviour.
• If you are crying and fretting and he does not take responsibility for his wrong actions, and he does not rapidly change his behaviours.
• If what he does and says causes you emotional, psychological or physical pain. Believe your pain, it is telling you the truth about him.
• If he does not accept your mistakes with care and consideration and supportive communication.
• If he consistently does not ‘step into your world’ with you. This can take effort for him to respect and appreciate your emotional and psychological world, and of course sometimes he can be tired or preoccupied, and you will be sensitive to his needs at times like this. However, if he does ignore consistently your inner ‘world’ he is Mr Wrong! We come together in relationship for many reasons, but ignoring the others ‘world’ there will never be understanding, acceptance and harmony.