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Sally Stubbs

I do enjoy having my rants!
Here’s the latest!
Recently I watched a few minutes of early morning Breakfast television.
Did you happen to see this one?
Absolutely shocking!
The presenters informed the viewers that around 10% of five year old children in the UK are clinically depressed.
We could talk a lot about this! But all I’ll say is that I am horrified, heart achingly horrified.
A very pretty clinical psychologist came onto the program ‘sofa’ to explain, that the reason for these statistics about depression in such young children is because parents are in low spirits about the credit crunch, and their personal finances.
OK – it’s a possibility.
I do have to say that my Dad, when he was a child, had four siblings, hardly any food, no new clothes no new shoes, five children in one bed, outside toilet…..
My Dad wrote: ‘My family were rich! A wealth of lovingness, contrariness and sentimentality………’
Just a thought!!!
Breakfast time television went on to show a few minutes of an eight year old boy working with his therapist.
The boy had been in therapy since he was eighteen months old, when he had displayed some aggressive behaviours…………………….. (I really want to say: Give me strength! But I won’t! No really I WILL I need it in these Muppet circumstances)
The boy had floppy, shiny dark hair and a really nice round face.
He was sitting with his therapist and winding sellotape around his hand.
She said; ‘you’re doing that because you want to wind the tape around your mother’s mouth and make her be quiet.’
The boy said: ‘No I’m not, I just like doing it’
The boy had taken some of his toys tied them to a piece of string and hung them out the window.
The therapist said: ‘You’re doing that because you feel insecure and so you’re making your toys feel insecure.’
The boy said: ‘No I’m not’.
The therapist repeated her diagnosis.
A tragedy, a total lack of respectful communication with the boy.
That is what I find shocking.
The TV presenter said to the boy: ‘Why are you hanging your toys out the window on a piece of string?’ The boy said, with a nice, pleasant smile: ‘because it’s fun!’
We have lots of skills and strategies to achieve outstanding rapport with another person.
Let’s just consider a couple of them for now:
First of all, let’s think what we are doing here:
Rapport is the excellence of relationship that results in mutual trust, receptiveness and responsiveness.
Rapport is essential to establishing an atmosphere of trust and participation within which another person can respond comfortably.
A ‘couple’ of strategies:
• ‘Mirror’ with the person. This means, however the person is sitting or standing, make your body a ‘mirror’ image of theirs. The person will feel that you are respecting their inner ‘world’
• ‘Pace’ with the person. This means breathe with them, the same rate and speed and depth as their breathing. Swallow with them and blink with them. The ‘person’ will feel that you are respecting their inner ‘world. ‘Pacing’ is used in marketing techniques, as once you are elegantly ‘pacing’ with a person you can then take the ‘lead’.
I am not interested in taking the ‘lead’ in communicating, unless on some occasions it can be truly useful.
For example a few years ago I had a call from the police.
They asked me if they could bring a 15 year old to see me. The young girl had been raped in a local park, and the police could not get the girl to speak.
Of course I would see her.
The poor young girl arrived with two policemen and a police woman.
She curled up in a chair in my room, with her head on her knees, she was breathing very shallowly, and rapidly, high up in her chest.
I did not fully curl up in my chair, I mirrored her really elegantly, and I ‘paced’ her breathing, meaning I was breathing exactly like her.
She did not speak, and apart from her breathing she made no sound.
I did not speak, and apart from my breathing I did not make a sound.
After around 8 or 9 minutes my breathing was totally in sync with her, and I began to elegantly slow and deepen my breathing. I was then ‘leading’ her and her breathing followed mine.
I was then able to slowly, slowly uncurl my body, and she followed me. After a couple more minutes she was uncurled breathing well and she burst into sobbing tears.
After the tears she started to spontaneously talk about the horror she had experienced.
Listen to the other person’s use of language, not just the tone, volume and speed of their voice, also their use of words.
• Elegantly respond with their tone, speed, volume and use of words. In terms of their words, listen as to whether they are using visual, auditory or kinaesthetic words.
• This is letting you know that their inner ‘world’ communication is visual (they make pictures) or auditory (they make sounds) or kinaesthetic (they make feelings)
• Examples: they say to you – “I see what you’re saying” so you respond with visual words such as: “It looks like that…..” Or they say: “It sounds to me as though…..” you respond with auditory words such as: “I hear you….” Or they say: “I felt you ignored me…..” you respond with kinaesthetic words such as: “Your feelings are important….”
There are more of these strategies, maybe for another time hey! These three strategies may seem simple to you. Try them with care and love, they are really powerful.
If you’re not astonished at your results I will eat my hat!
And please have a look at our web sites, there’s more therapy stuff to be read there.
Thinking of you warmly
Cures that Endure
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