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You have a story and it is your story that makes you special.
You have humanity.
You are not just a ‘pretty face’! You actually are a ‘beautiful face’ – You are the face of kindness and caring for others – the children – the animals – the elderly and fragile – the planet. The corruption – the lies…
And inside of you, in your inner worlds, you have fear and ‘pain’. Yet you are, despite the fear and ‘pain,’ caring and kind.
I know that you have suffered – somehow – somewhere in your childhood, in adult years – bewilderment or fear or ‘pain’ which brought uncertainties and doubts into your Pristine inner world.
This is your story and this is what makes you special. And probably what also gave you the immeasurable depths and heights of your true humanity.
Quick rant to get off my chest – (you might be pleased to know!) Though it is a Huge Rant in my Heart!
I cannot stand this ‘pop’ psychology of: ‘You must gain control over and get rid of your inner critic!’
Absolute Bull***t! The psychological ‘construct’ which has oh so totally unwisely been named the ‘Critic’ – to be dismissed, shunned and got rid of is, was originally, a Protector!
This is huge for our – your – consideration.
I am going to call the inner Protector – the inner Restrainer – as it will probably make more sense!
The inner Restrainer is the ‘voice’ and or accompanying feeling in the body which ‘says’:
• I can’t!
• I mustn’t!
• I shouldn’t!
• I’ll fail………..
• ‘They’ll’ be angry if I do!
• I am not good enough!
• So, I won’t ‘go there’………
And we listen to the ‘voice’ of the Restrainer and we stay ‘stuck’ and the Restrainer is relieved (til next time!). The Restrainer is relieved because it was attempting to keep us safe. Because in situations in our younger life or our adult life for us to ‘go ahead’ could well have been dangerous.
Look – simplistically it goes a like this: ‘Eat up all your food!’ If we say what we want and need which is: ‘NO’ we can never be successful! We’ll be in someone’s ‘bad books’ and ‘bad books’ are dangerous in a child’s world!
The Restrainer holds us back from saying the dangerous ‘NO!’ and we eat loads of food that we don’t need or want!
Or – they implied, when we were younger, with a ‘look in their eyes’ ‘If you go off and be an actor instead of an accountant….. you will hurt me!’ And so we become the unhappy accountant, (and our clients don’t understand when we don’t always get it right!)
The Restrainer stops us being an actor because the enormous weight of responsibility of hurting them is unbearable.
We won’t be ‘good enough’ for them.
They will shun us.
Simplistic examples I know.
So here are your ‘Golden Bullets’ which may seem at first counter intuitive!
Get to know your Restrainer
Think of your Goal and the symptoms which you want to Resolve
State your Goal out loud and your reasons and purposes for achieving your Goal also out loud.
As you speak out loud – listen very sensitively for any Restraining ‘voice’ which will probably have the word ‘but’ in it either ‘said’ or implied. (‘But’ I’ve tried so many times before and I failed…..)
Simply say to the Restrainer: ‘I hear you. I know you wanted to protect me.’
Make a drawing of your Restrainer – and get to know ‘it’ better by taking time to see the details of your drawing.
Be understanding of your drawing! For example your Restrainer may have an appearance of a ‘beast’! Two things here: The Restrainer maybe had to be beastly to you – (stopped you being an actor) to protect you. And the ‘beast’ was protecting the ‘Beauty’ in you…..
Your Restrainer took control – to protect you – and keep you safe. Your Restrainer will begin to accept that you can now safely have ‘the control’ as you get to know it and accept its original role.
Please do feel free to email me any thoughts or questions privately on this address:
And as for the book which I won’t harp on about again. – The masochist is Restrained and feels the pain in an unsuccessful attempt to regain the control which was taken by their inner Restrainer to paradoxically keep them safe!
The masochist will of course argue with me. I Understand.
Thinking of you warmly.
Sally Stubbs
Cures that Endure



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